How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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