i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
