there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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