I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
