A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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