she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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