i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
the liver wants what the liver wants
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
