At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
