Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked a lego.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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