please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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