I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
