I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
