I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Randomize
