the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
