when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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