you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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