So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
