Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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