am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
