No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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