Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
