So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
try to milk me bitch
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
