puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
