Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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