got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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