I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can I color on your dick again?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
