u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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