I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
