I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
