I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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Ladies don't puke and tell
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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