No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
