just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
