Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
