Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
