i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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