im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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