I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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