Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
