First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
