I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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