Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
