I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
