Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
