you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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