): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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