My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
