areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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