at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
