Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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