The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
