I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Randomize
