So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
