i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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