the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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