i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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