Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
