true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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