that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
