Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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